I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
