ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
