u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
