Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
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