The maid of honor just puked.
wanna go halves on a baby?
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
