ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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