you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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