It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
