Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
home. puking in laundry basket.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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