I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
