He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
