The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize