I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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