Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
