Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
