Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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