You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
