You can't special order awesome
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
