I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Randomize
