I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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