Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
i wish my penis had a tongue
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I can't turn off my feet"
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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