I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
