Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
