You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
