i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Randomize
