What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Come see our sink grown plant.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
When are your genitals available?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
