I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Randomize