So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
