ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
whose parrot is this?
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Randomize
