I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
