my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
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