So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Randomize
