I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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