and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
