chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
