but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
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