And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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