This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
