Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
