Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
