I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
