Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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