plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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