So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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