I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
