It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
