Please, let me fuck your mom
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
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