Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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