U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
