If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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