Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
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