my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
