Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
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