The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
