I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
