No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
