Whod you bang
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
