There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
